Why am I fat....

I have issues with food. I eat when I am hungry, I eat when I am not hungry, I eat when I a bored, sad, mad, frustrated, happy, tired, whenever. I love food and food loves me. We have a very twisted and dark relationship.

I have always, as far as I know, had issues with food. As a child I would sneak food and would overeat and of course I was an overweight child. When I turned 14 I decided that I had had enough of being overweight and poured all of my energy into becoming anorexic. It worked. I did not eat and I lost a ton of weight. I got lots of attention for being skinny and boys started liking me. It was great except for the total lack of energy, the fainting spells and the hair loss. After six months or so of being anorexic I moved on and became bulimic.

Bulimia and I got on famously. I was able to eat whatever I wanted, however much I wanted and I didn't gain any weight. It was great for awhile. I loved bingeing. I loved having the power over my problems. I didn't think about all the problems my bulimia would cause for me in the future, such as severe and costly teeth problems. Looking good in the present was all that I cared about. I was a pro at bulimia. Over the years I took laxatives, exercised excessively, binged and purged. I did it all.

I never sought help for my eating disorders but my bulimia slowed down in my twenties and eventually I began to gain all the weight back. I won't say that I never binge and purge but it only happens a few times a year now, usually when I am under severe stress. I have tried to no avail to become anorexic again but that thankfully just doesn't happen. I no longer have the will and desire to abuse my body in that manner. I no longer abuse laxatives. I still exercise but in healthy moderation. I still binge, not like I used to but at times I eat and eat. I eat more than I need and I catch myself obsessing about food, kind of like a drug addict obesses about their next fix, I obsess about my next food fix. I am a food addict, the worst addiction ever because you will always have to eat. Food is always there. There is no getting away from it.

I am pulled in two very opposite directions. Part of me, the part that is currently winning wants to eat and wants to eat a lot. This part wants to drown every emotion and problem in food. Food is the answer to everything acoording to this part of myself. There is no moderation with this part of myself. The other part of me longs to be skinny and wishes to heal my unhealthy relationship with food. This part knows how to lose weight in a healthy way but is constantly overpowered by the other side. This side is weak.

I am writing all this in an effort to heal myself and maybe help others who are struggling just like me.